I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
