I accidentally had phone sex last night
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
