you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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