If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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