why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
