She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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