I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
