The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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