Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.

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(253): View more from Washington

is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

Fav 50 1977 9064
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.

Fav 34 1213 3251
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(315): View more from New York

It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.

Fav 26 4324 1198
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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.

Fav 9 2490 1453
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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.

Fav 8 892 2532
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.

Fav 0 198 176
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(218): View more from Minnesota

My vagina just clenched in fear

Fav 1 13 37
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