I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
