so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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