I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
