Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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