Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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