his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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