I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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