3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
