Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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