i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish you could order shots online.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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