I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
