well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
