Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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