I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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