White coat. Heels.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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