I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Non-Jews are for practice
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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