Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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