omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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