I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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