i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
