1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
