Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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