did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
