when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
