watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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