You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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