Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
