Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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