paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
