can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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