3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
