my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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