I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
