just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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