If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
