i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
