So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
