I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
