i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
