I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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