If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
